Lessons with Sweet Dee
by DacocoBaggins
Summary: in which Dee's attempts to prove Dennis wrong and teach Charlie how to be a ladies man, ends up with a few unexpected results. rated T for some swearing. Charlie/Dee
1. Some Valium, an Offer, and a Bargain

"Dude seriously? I don't understand how he's so bad with women" Dennis chuckled and handed Mac a beer. "I mean how is he not following any of the instructions we've taught him so far? The D.E.N.N.I.S system was flawless, he might be the only person who could possibly mess it up, but really though we've tried everything to teach him how to be better with women and I honestly think he might just be a lost cause."

"I dunno. There could still be potential. I mean I know we've tried everything, but maybe we just aren't the right teachers you know?" Mac argued sipping his beer, "Different perspectives can help you understand the concept more you know? We just need someone with a different kind of experience maybe, someone who understands the opposite sex in a way that we as men do not."

"Guys let me teach him, I've had plenty of experience with woman. I can show him exactly how to woo your way into a woman's heart. Plus I know the best moves. " Frank put on one of his signature grins and sat back down at the bar.

Dee watched all of this with interest. Not quite able to put her finger on the reason behind them wanting to assist Charlie. He was pretty hopeless, and they wouldn't ever help him unless it benefited them in some way, so curiosity bubbled up forcing Dee to inquire why they were so concerned about Charlie and his pathetic affairs with women.

Dennis laughed. "Oh Dee you will never guess what this screw up did this time. I don't understand how he can be so bad at women. I mean it is not that hard."

"Ok don't talk about women like that, as if we are a sport, or some kind of object, it's degrading." Dee argued back. God her brother was such a dick, "you know what I don't even wanna know what Charlie did this time. It probably can't be as bad as any other time he talked to women, why do you guys care all of a sudden anyway?"

"He's hopeless Dee. I mean he can't even say hello to the waitress without screwing up." Mac added in laughing at his friend.

Dee eyed Charlie sitting across the bar his head on the counter, completely silent, he hadn't said anything in a long while and Dee wondered if he was sobbing.

"That poor son of a bitch is never going to get a girl." Dennis remarked taking in the sight of his dejected companion.

"Ok that may be true, but he's not completely hopeless. I mean seriously, he got that one girl remember? The one he screwed over to get with the waitress. How he managed that we will never know, and why on earth she went for him is completely beyond me, but hey he got her. Meaning maybe there is still hope." Dee knew it was useless to stand up for him, but she didn't want to have to deal with a sad mopey Charlie all day.

"That is a good point. He just needs a mentor you know, but I am not paying for a professional there is no way that is happening. All they do is screw you in the ass for money, and I doubt that professionals could help anyways. No… we need someone who can tolerate him, someone who's willing to go through extreme measures to make Charlie Kelly a ladies man." Mac placed a hand under his chin thoughtfully. The rest of the gang thought hard as well.

"Charlie do you have any input in this at all?" Dee shouted across the bar at the sunken man with his head still rested on the counter. He still hadn't moved. That was odd. Dee walked over to him and prodded his shoulder. The only response she got was his limp body turning slightly, his arm falling to his side. "What the hell. Why is he sleeping?"

"Oh yeah. We kinnda gave him some valium. He was crying and acting all hysterical and stuff, so I slipped some in his drink. It was supposed to make him happy, but he just kinnda fell asleep. Which is ok though because at least that got him to shut up." Dennis shrugged, getting back on the topic at hand, acting as if drugging his friend was but a minor setback. "This is an issue; no one's going to be dumb enough to teach Charlie."

"This conversation is getting nowhere. We all know Charlie is a lost cause, can we just move past it. This isn't really a surprise. Charlie's impossible. Can we talk about something else?" Dee was growing tired of the conversation of Charlie, too excited to tell them the news she knew they wouldn't care to hear, but too selfish to care. "Guess who got offered 800 bucks to do a motivational speech at the local theater for all the aspiring actors there. That's right bitches, me." Dee smirked proudly at her own accomplishment.

The trio before her broke out into hysteric laughter, causing Dee's pride to falter immediately. "Does the local theater realize what they are wasting their money on? Bunch of num nuts direct garbage there Dee." Frank announced still not able to contain his laughter.

"Yeah Dee your probably the worst motivator out there, I mean honestly. You're not even an actor, so how did you score that one? You're like the least motivated person; have you read your diary? It's basically a dedication to the pathetic life of a bird who gives up constantly." Dennis sipped his beer mockingly, while Dee fumed.

"You read my journal you dick wad!" couldn't say she wasn't surprised however as she continued regardless, "Whatever. It doesn't matter; you know I got that offer, because I am known for my ways of motivation. I really am an influential person you guys, you're just too dense to see it."

"Oh really? You're motivational? When have you ever accomplished something and actually completed it Dee? When have you ever convinced someone else that they are good at something? In what way are you motivational? Enlighten us please." Dennis crossed his arm in mock expectancy.

Dee clucked her tongue on her teeth, clearly ticked off. She was motivated. She was a motivator. She'd landed that offer hadn't she? That had to mean something. Besides the fact that the only reason she had landed that position was because the theater had a former motivational speaker expected to come, but he had inconveniently died. Dee just happened to be near the theater as some boner was making fun of her, she relented out her thoughts claiming she was a famous actor and shouting reckless things about wanting him to treat her with some respect, and more bullshit Dee thought was susceptible at the time. She hadn't thought it motivational at all, but the theaters main director happened to be around to hear her outburst, asking her about the whole famous actress aspect of her life and what not. Dee even ended up telling him about her awful experience teaching acting classes to the kids at for one of her old teachers, of course leaving out a few bits and pieces, but none the less she was proud to say that at least some of her story was true. The director happened to be so desperate for a speaker to prove the higher authorities of the theater his class of aspiring actors had the power to be motivated; he asked her if she'd be willing to do a speech. At first she had declined, until he offered her money. She didn't even have to sleep with anyone this time. although that director was pretty sexy, he looked her age too, perhaps after the whole speech thing she'd find a way to get him to return the favor for making her go through with this.

"Well?" Mac inquired impatiently, snapping Dee out of her thoughts.

"Well I've accomplished too many things to even think of right now." Dee answered lamely.

"I bet you 50 bucks she chokes." Mac turned to Dennis.

"No way, that's an unfair bet, because that's a given, it's guaranteed to happen regardless. I'm not making that bet. Look Dee, all I'm saying is that you have never ever accomplished anything with your sad life."

"I have so!" Dee shot back.

"Name one thing, just one thing that you completed, and didn't give up on half way through. I can name a lot of things that you tried to accomplish but never actually finished. You just give up on everything."

"Oh like you guys are any better."

"Actually, I've accomplished a lot of things Dee. Project badass, for example, I didn't just give up on it, I actually put a lot of work into that, you know" Mac Stated fondly, obviously proud of his project thus far.

"And Frank has accomplished so many business offers and whatever else Frank accomplishes, that _he _should probably do a motivational speech, as scary, and unforgiving as that sounds. And as for me, well I have many accomplishments under my belt as well, for example the amount of blood sweat and tears I put into in order to relentlessly acquire as many women as possible, is believe it or not something I work very hard for, and never have I given up. Also I did create the D.E.N.N.I.S system which caused me a great amount of effort to do, but you, you are a useless bird who can barely fly."

Dee sunk back in her chair. Trying to think of something she had actually accomplished. Racking her brain, she realized maybe Dennis had a point. Everything she did she would go into with full intent, and force, but halfway through she would deem it unworthy of her time and just give up.

"Oh my god, I have an idea!" Mac shouted practically jumping out of his chair. "Dee you could totally teach Charlie. This is perfect, ok hear me out. This is brilliant, if you teach Charlie it'll totally help you practice your little motivational thing, and, it'll prove to Dennis that he's wrong, and you can actually say you've accomplished something."

"I'm never wrong" Dennis huffed. He never ever was. He refused to be proven otherwise.

"No! Absolutely not! I am not doing that. Do you know how much work that is? Absolutely not, no way in hell. Can't you just give me a puppy and let me take care of it till it dies, that's an accomplishment. Teaching Charlie how to pick up chicks, guys that's the most impossible task ever." Dee whined, not liking this idea in the slightest.

"We'll make a wager" Frank but in. "Dee if you manage to teach Charlie, without giving up, I'll pay you 100$ and I'll buy you something you want, and Dennis, Mac and I won't insult you in any way for a whole week."

"You really think I'm gonna believe that? That's not gonna happen and we all know it."

"I'll make 'em sign a contract." Frank put in.

Dee contemplated the deal. 100$ did sound good. And she did need a new purse . . . and no insults. That would be nice. She was about to shake Franks hand before she realized the other side of a bargain. "Ok and what if I lose and give up?"

"Then that proves Dennis is wrong, and . . . . If you lose we get to send your diary off in the mail to Ryan Gosling." Mac smirked, at his idea.

"That's not fair that's blackmailing. You know what no. if I win I also want Dennis to say he was wrong in writing, also I want you guys to wash my car for a month"

"Whoa, whoa if you're gonna add stuff we gotta add stuff too. If you lose you gotta do our laundry for a month, and do Charlie work for a week, and in writing say that I was right." Dennis retorted smugly.

The stakes were high, and Dee knew she would regret this with every fibre of her being, but she did so bask in the idea of Dennis admitting he was wrong, as she shook Franks hand.

**A/N: so sorry if the 1****st**** chapter was too long. The next ones hopefully won't be that long :P unless this is a perfect length? I dunno. Also the whole offer thing, I just wasn't sure where exactly in Philly the gang is located so I wasn't sure what school to use so I just put in there Dee was offered by the local theatre. Hope that suffices. Either way it gets the point across. Uhm . . . yeah my grammar some days is a little shot, so if you guys see anything please please don't hesitate to tell me, I will fix it. And um hopefully I'll be able to update again soon, I'll try my best. Oh and as far as what Charlie did exactly, I'll leave that up to you guys and your imagination. Also I rated this story a T, but there are some swears, so if that bothers anyone I'll change it to M. Might change it in later chapters as well but for now that's what it will be. :P **


	2. a clipboard, 12 days, 12 lessons

Dee walked into the bar that evening and as per usual she grabbed herself a beer and sat down. Dennis and Mac were the only ones there. "Where are Frank and Charlie?"

"Oh, well Charlie was still a little bummed about yesterday, and kinnda cranky that we drugged him, and he was getting pretty annoying, so Frank took him and they went somewhere in a sewer. . . I'm not sure, either way they're gone and we need to get down to business" Mac tapped the table interrupting Dennis who was scribbling on a piece of paper furiously.

"I'm not done Mac." Dennis yelled in frustration going back to his writings.

"What's this? What's he writing?" Dee asked curious.

"Oh, well he's writing down a lesson plan for you. Yup. We asked around and got a bunch of lesson ideas from a shit ton of people on how to get girls, and so Dennis is creating a lesson plan for you. There's like I dunno, 12 lessons on there or something, all actually very good lessons, and the idea is that you have to execute every single one of these lessons in 12 days. Most of it was Frank's idea actually. So you know, one day per lesson. That way, since your little motivational thing or whatever is in 2 weeks, you'll be done in 2 weeks, and you'll be fully prepared for your thing. And Charlie will be fully prepared to start picking up chicks. These lessons however can only be taught and constructed by a woman." Mac put in with as much seriousness as possible, explaining the situation at hand, emphasizing how important Dee's role was.

"No this is the dumbest thing. 12 days? I thought it would just be like one day where I try to teach him, and realize he's hopeless and then boom, 100$ and a new purse."

"That's not how it works, Frank made up an official contract and shit you gotta go through with it."

Dee rolled her eyes. This was not going the way she had hoped. "And how will you know if I complete these or not? For all you know I could tell you and you not know, because honestly I don't think any amount of me teaching Charlie will be able to physically show any signs of improvement."

Dennis looked up suddenly. " No Dee you can't bullshit your way through this one. Nope, because as your higher authority, I will be marking your progress. I have a thing here and you have to grade Charlie on his progress and write down exactly what is improving and what isn't. and in case you even thought about bullshitting your way through that, which I fully expect that you will, Charlie will tell us the truth, and you will loose if you skip out on a lesson. And Dee? We do have eyes. everywhere. Frank has his ways, and if you skip out on a lesson, we will be notified, you can be darn sure of that" Dennis threatened.

"That's messed up." Dee wasn't sure how she felt about some creepy guys watching her try to teach Charlie; she somehow did not see it ending pleasantly.

"Whatever Dee, it's for your own good." Dennis sighed, gathering the papers and putting them neatly in a clipboard which he began to hand to her. "Now I've made a very well organized schedule for you and our disgusting friend. Now each lesson is going to be at least 1 hour, if not more, sometimes It depends on the lesson, but here are the 12 lessons, all in order of how you will teach them, now you have 12 days to complete this list starting tomorrow, and hopefully by then end of it, there will be a test, and if Charlie passes it then you win, and if he fails, then you loose, me and Mac will make up the test accordingly, so make sure Charlie knows each and every lesson fully. "

"Hey! Hey whoa, that was not part of the deal whatsoever, you know Charlie isn't going to pass any sort of test regardless of what I do! You know damn well Dennis, the deal was I just had to teach him. As long as I get through that then I win right?" Dee was outraged that they kept changing the rules.

"Don't worry though, we've set the standards pretty low, if he gets at least a 35% he passes, and it won't be entirely difficult to get a 35, but still be prepared for anything."

"This is such bullshit!" Dee argued.

"No it's not it's genius."

"Why can't I make up the lessons? You guys said so yourselves that you weren't good enough to teach him, shouldn't I be making lessons?"

"No. No see me and Mac made a list of the lessons we simply cannot teach, but you, you can. So we are the masterminds behind the situation, and you are the undertaker."

Dee looked at the list scoffing. The lessons all laid out in front of her. She didn't like any of these lesson tittles whatsoever. "How am I supposed to teach Charlie this one?"

"Ah, well not out problem, we just gave you a list, now you make the plans, you can start tomorrow tonight. We made arrangements with Frank, and such, so Charlie will be sleeping at your apartment for the next 12 days, and Mac, Frank and I will be executing a little lesson of our own involving much different affairs then yours so, have fun with those, we might check in occasionally. Probably not, unless there are any complications, issues or . . . rule breaking of any sorts which I can guarantee we will know about so. . . watch your back Dee."

With that Mac and Dennis grabbed a handful of other papers and left the bar, leaving Dee to sulk by herself at the bar. She looked at the list, and for a moment felt like tearing it up in frustration, but instead she just lowered her head onto the clipboard and laid there hopeless, and trying not to think about the next excruciating 12 days to come.

**A/N k so this chapter is definitely shorter, but it's just kind of an intro into the lessons and set up for what is yet to come. Next chapter will be lesson one! :D the next 12 chapters I can guarantee be much longer than this one, hopefully not too long, but I got a lot of ideas for this fic, so we'll see where it goes. Anyways ill update when I can. **


	3. lesson 1,demonstrate value, and hygiene

Lesson #1: personal hygiene.

In this lesson you will be conducting the art of personal hygiene. The title itself is pretty self explanatory, so just you know teach him how to clean himself for Christ sakes. The man's disgusting. This is probably the most important lesson and is expected to be maintained throughout the next 12 days, and if possible, forever. However with this lesson, you will require some supplies (toothpaste, shampoo, soap, deodorant, a shirt that wasn't found in the sewer and has been washed at least once this month, all of which are items I am sure Charlie either does not own or has not heard of. Oh and you will be in charge of getting these supplies on your own, because as the teacher, all teachers should be prepared for your lessons). Anyways the first 8 lessons will be relatively easy (as easy as teaching Charlie can get I suppose), the first 8 lessons will be to demonstrate value, make him presentable, and learn the ways of earning your way into a womans heart, yada, yada, yada, the kind of gross cheesy stuff woman like. You know the drill. Just make Charlie. . . not Charlie.

Dee read over the paragraph at the top of page 1 of the clipboard. She's already skimmed over the first 3 pages of 'rules and regulation' Not even bothering to read the whole thing, because this was bullshit anyways. She wasn't surprised in the slightest to find out that she was in charge of buying her own damn supplies. She didn't even know supplies were needed damn it.

None the less Dee made a list of items needed to hopefully get rid of all the creepy crawlies nested in Charlie's hair, teeth, armpits, and other places Dee did not wish to think of. Then she proceeded to grab her purse and head out.

She went to the nearest drugstore and filled her basket with as much supplies as she could (and the cheapest she could manage to find, without being no name brands). These products included good smelling men's shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, a comb, hair gel, hairspray, shaving cream, 2 razors, some tea tree oil and other anti-lice products, toothpaste, body spray, and a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt. All of which Dee paid for on her credit-card, despite the fact that she already owed so much on it.

When Dee managed to get back into her apartment with her arms full of bags she was surprised to see Charlie lounging on the couch next to a duffle bag. She dropped the supplies near the door.

"Hey Dee! So uh. . . Mac and Dennis told me the whole lesson thing, and I think it's a good idea you know! And they also told me that I would be sleeping over at your house for the next 12 days, so I brought all my stuff."

Dee raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms. "How did you get in? I locked my apartment!"

"Oh well Dennis just gave me the extra key you gave him for emergencies, and since I'm living here for 12 days I might as well just have my own key. " Charlie said as he walked over and grabbed the bags Dee had dropped by the door. Dee should have known that giving Dennis an emergency key was a terrible idea, but none the less practicality got the better of her and she decided in case of actual emergency, Dennis might be there for her. . . but probably not. "Did you get any food? I'm starving and you don't got much to eat." Charlie peered into the bags and pulled out a tube of toothpaste. "What's all this stuff? This isn't food." He looked closer at the tube. "T-toot-h. . . tooth! P-a-sst" Dee smacked her hand against her forehead. This was going to be the longest 12 days of her life.

"Don't hurt yourself Charlie, it's toothpaste." She grabbed the tube from him and placed it back in the bag. She had really hoped Charlie would have come later, she wasn't really ready to start just yet. Well . . . she had actually hoped he wouldn't ever come, she kind of wanted to delay the process as long as possible, but none the less here he was. "Alright I'm going to make lunch and then we can start with lesson 1"

Dee made sandwiches for the two of them, with what little ingredients she had, and sat down on the couch and began to write things down for her lesson plan for the day.

"Watcha writing?" Charlie inquired.

Dee looked up. " Lesson stuff, to figure out what to do with you. . . alright so today, I will be teaching you personal hygiene."

" What? I don't need to be taught that" Charlie scoffed "Dee I have tons of hygiene already. Pfft hygiene."

"Charlie do you even know what hygiene means?"

"Of course I do! And I already have so much of it that we shouldn't even like do that lesson"

"uh-huh. Ok well, I'm just gonna get straight to it then, and you can just hop in the shower, and we can start."

"Shower? Do I have to? I don't really feel like it." Charlie whined. "Unless like. . . your hopping in the shower too, then maybe it won't be so bad."

"Ew gross, Charlie no, just get in the damn shower and stay in there for at least 10 minutes. She handed him a bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap. "This is called shampoo! It goes in your hair! And this is soap, and you use this to make yourself clean" Dee explained as if she were directing a 2 year old.

"I know what soap is Dee!" With that she pushed him in the bathroom and closed the door. "Do I really have to take a 10 minute shower? Who even takes 10 minute showers! That's way too long."

"I have a timer, and I will be timing you, so just do it."

She heard Charlie groan, and the water begin to run. Dee let out a sigh of relief and went back to writing down a better plan.

About 4 minutes passed when she heard Charlie from the bathroom asking if he was done yet.

"Nope!" Dee yelled back, again hearing Charlie groan in frustration, Dee continued writing.

At the 9 minute mark Dee heard the water shut off. She decided not to call him on 1 minute. After awhile, Charlie opened the door, with a towel around his waist, and his hair dripping into his face, as steam poured out of the bathroom.

Dee grabbed the bag of toiletries and entered the bathroom. "Ok so first you'll be shaving" Dee grabbed the shaving cream and razor and handed it to Charlie.

"But. . . I don't want to! My beard makes me look hard!" Dee rolled her eyes and grabbed the shaving cream out of Charlie hands.

"Your beard makes you look gross, and homeless, just shave the damn beard Charlie."

"I don't want to."

" Just do it!" Dee yelled.

"Ok alright, but I don't really know how. I mean I've done it before, but usually my mom would do it for me."

"Wait your mom would shave for you?" Somehow Dee wasn't surprised. "Whatever, just take the shaving cream, and put some here" Dee motioned towards to her neck, cheeks, chin and underneath her nose as Charlie pressed the button and creamy blue gel poured into his hands. However Charlie did not stop pressing the button until his palm was overflowing with shaving cream.

"Oh shit I took too much"

"Just put some of it in the sink" Charlie shook his hand into the sink, but instead of getting it in the sink, he shook most of it onto Dee, in her hair and on her clothes. "Jesus Charlie what the hell!"

"Sorry!" Dee attempted to get some of the cream out of her hair, but decided it was useless, considering Charlie was bound to cause more messes anyways. "Just put the stuff on your face already."

Charlie did so, thankfully without any problems, and grabbed the razor.

"Now just take the razor and start up here, and move slowly downwards, then rinse the blade" Dee instructed, and again Charlie complied again with no mistakes. "Just keep doing that till all the shaving cream is gone."

Charlie did very well, until about the fourth stroke he cried out in pain, and a small trickle of blood ran down his cheek. "Oh! This thing cut me!"

"That happens, sometimes, it's fine." Dee grabbed a towel and pressed it to his new wound, making sure to get all the blood. "Just keep going" Charlie frowned, but none the less continued.

Once Charlie was done, he wiped off excess shaving cream and looked in the mirror, frowning.

"What?"

"I miss my beard."

Dee rolled her eyes. "You look better without a beard Charlie, makes you look younger, and less disgusting." Dee grabbed the deodorant and opened it up. "Alright now this is deodorant, something that you should actually be wearing every day. It goes under your armpits." She handed Charlie the stick.

"That's so weird! Why? Who made this stuff, they must be really weird." Charlie giggled to himself and Dee gritted her teeth.

"Just do it." Charlie did so, and sniffed his armpits.

"Whoa! It doesn't smell so bad!"

"Yeah that's the point." Ok, now that that's done, here's the toothpaste, and I want you to brush your teeth for a solid 5 minutes" Just then the phone rang and Dee handed the toothpaste to Charlie. "Be right back, don't do anything stupid."

Dee answered the phone, and it ended up being an operator trying to sell her a new TV. When she came back into the bathroom she was pleased to see Charlie actually brushing his teeth like a regular person, with no complications. It was upsetting that Dee didn't think he was capable of doing this task without guidance. When he turned to her Dee instantly went sour. "That's my toothbrush!" She yanked it out of his foaming mouth and held it up with disgust. "Ew, really? You didn't think to grab the blue one? This one's pink and even has my name on it! Not that you paid attention to that anyways."

"But I don't like the look of the blue one, I liked the pink one better." Charlie spit the toothpaste into the sink.

"Whatever! Ok just keep it, not like I'm ever gonna use that toothbrush again" Dee handed it back to him and he continued to brush his teeth with her toothbrush.

Once that was done Dee grabbed the comb and hair gel. She wasn't much of a hairdresser, but she knew what looked good on a guy, and she preferred men with messy, yet sexy hair. Despite the fact that Charlie's hair was much too long, and in need of a haircut, Dee wasn't feeling up to cutting Charlie's hair, not did she feel like paying a hairdresser. She would do it, because she really couldn't give a shit if Charlie's hair was completely uneven and cut completely wrong, but she was felt that doing that would aggravate her even more, so she settled to make Charlie's for once clean hair into something presentable.

"This is hair gel, it's gonna make your hair look good. Now it's kinnda sticky, but just don't touch your hair." She placed a suitable amount of the gel in the palm of her hand and began to work the product through his long locks. She grabbed a few strands here and there ruffling all the right hairs in all the right places, she pushed the hair out of his face, and let those ones stand. As she ran her fingers through his hair, concentrating on perfecting it she couldn't help but notice Charlie still wasn't really wearing clothes. She considered the situation at hand and wondered to herself what anyone else would think? Charlie Kelly being in her bathroom naked while she played with his hair, didn't seem like a weird occurrence to her at all. In fact she hadn't even thought twice on the matter because him being there was just another day.

As she let her hand fall she caught his gaze and held it for a few seconds. Dee took a step back and analyzed her work. He looked . . . decent. He looked much younger, and actually . . . somewhat . . . attractive. Dee shook the thought away and went back to teaching mode. She went for the living room and handed Charlie the pair of clothes she bought. A plain red T-Shirt and a decent pair of jeans.

Without a word he whipped off the towel and began to change.

"At least close the door for Christ sakes!" Dee turned around as to not let her eyes wander to places she particularly didn't wish to see at the moment.

"Oh come on! Not it's the first time you've seen me naked!"

That was true, however those times she hadn't really been paying attention to naked Charlie Kelly, she had been paying more attention to either running for her life, or trying to find her way out of a sewer. Once Charlie was done changing Dee turned on her heel and held her breath. She wasn't sure why, but seeing him there actually looking clean gave her a strange and unsettling feeling something she hadn't really ever experienced.

"How's this?"

"Well. . . you actually look. . . good."

"I don't like it. I don't feel like me. I feel weird." Charlie complained.

"That's the point, anyways, um I think that's. . . it for today. Your about as clean as your ever gonna be, let's just hope we can keep this up for 12 days. You wanna watch a movie or something?"

Charlie nodded and the two headed over to the couch to watch lethal weapon, and reflect on how surprisingly well the day had gone.

**A/N k so I know it's been awhile, but my computer has a virus and hasn't been working great. Need a new labtop here soon. Anyway this is chapter 3 next lesson should be fun. :P oh and also I decided to incorporate a little secret which I'm sure most of you will understand once the lessons are all done what the Dennis's motive here is. **


	4. lesson 2, talking to women, or not?

Lesson #2: How to Talk to Women

So again the title is pretty self-explanatory, just teach Charlie how to talk to women without being Charlie. He seems to talk to you like a regular person and I know that's not really anything to go by but you are a girl so teach him to talk to other women like how he can talk to you easily. . . Except not the conversations you two have because that would be an entirely different and scary thing altogether. My point being just teach Charlie how to at least hold a conversation with a woman. Teach him how to pretend to listen and care about girls problems and demonstrate value, he does it with you, so teach him how to do it with others.

"Ok Charlie today is going to be an experiment." Dee sat down on the couch next to Charlie, who was still lounging half asleep despite the fact that it was 5:00pm. Dee was scribbling more notes on the clipboard she was given already drawing out a lesson plan.

"I don't wanna do any experiments. Remember what happened last time I did an experiment for science. And it didn't even work!' Charlie grumbled into his pillow.

"Well, this isn't for science, it's so I can make some cash and get a new purse, so sit up we're starting the first part" reluctantly Charlie sat up and crossed his legs on the small couch facing Dee. "So for the first part of this, I personally am going to teach you what to say when approaching women, and then we're going to go out into the real world and hopefully they won't all run away"

" I don't want to, it's hard! I've tried, but I don't know what women wanna talk about! They're weird, and apparently they don't like sewers or rat bashing. What am I supposed to talk about with them if I can't talk about sewers or rat bashing?"

Dee's frustration began to grow, despite the fact that this was only lesson 2. "Look you're talking to me, aren't you? I'm a girl. And if you can talk to me then why is it so hard to talk to other girls about things besides sewers and rat bashing?"

"That doesn't count and you know it. Plus, you're not really a girl, because you're just one of us, and you kinnda like sewers and don't mind rat bashing."

"Ok, first of all I am a girl thank you, second of all I don't like sewers and I don't like rat bashing. Look, it's really that simple, though, you just need to talk to other women the same way you talk to one of us. Pretend the girl you're talking to is me, except. . . Don't treat the poor girl the way you treat me, and don't have the conversations you have with me. The point here is, you're not nervous around me and you don't stumble over your words so just use that relaxed era to ease your way into a conversation with another girl." Dee thought she had put it succinctly, but Charlie of course didn't seem to understand every bit of what she was laying down.

"So. . . Are you saying she'll like me even if I fart around her and eat spaghetti?"

Dee smacked her forehead with her palm. "No! Just. . . Here, let's just start ok. Pretend I'm the waitress. What would you say to her right now?"

"But you're not the waitress"

"Can we just pretend for a second?!"

"Fine! Jeez" Charlie cleared his throat, and faced Dee. "Hello waitress. Nice day it is today, um. . . How are you?"

"That's ok, surprisingly." Dee encouraged. She straightened up as well and did her best imitation of the short haired blonde who worked at the coffee shop, and let out a snobby snort of disgust. "What do you want Charlie."

"Well. . . I don't know! Can I please just look at you for a while? And maybe, possibly have your babies?!" Charlie yelled beginning to panic.

"Ok. . . Ok no. Man we have a lot of work to do. You know what no. Ok pretend I'm some other girl. I'm not Dee and I'm not the waitress. I'm just some random pretty girl that you've never met ok?" Dee cleared her throat and put on her best seductive voice. "Hey Charlie, wanna hang out sometime?" After that was said she gave her best wink and smiled back at him.

"What. . . What is that? Did you just wink at me?"

Dee threw her hands up exasperated. "Yes, I winked at you! Lots of sexy girls do that when they see an attractive man walking down the streets."

"What you think I'm attractive?" Charlie beamed.

"Obviously I said this is pretend." Dee replied bluntly. "Never mind, just carry on conversation."

"Ok, um. . . Sorry pretty lady, but my mother told me it is not ok to talk to strangers or go home with them so goodbye."

At this point Dee groaned in frustration and it took as much willpower as she could muster not to strangle the tiny man in front of her. "You know what, I don't care we're moving on to phase 2, Dennis didn't say all the lessons had to go well, just that they have to be completed, go shower, do your hair the way I showed you and put on that new shirt I bought you we are going out tonight." Dee demanded.

"Me and you on a date?"

Dee scoffed. "Gross no. you're going to talk to women."

"Are we going to see the waitress?"

Dee laughed. "No way in hell." Charlie faltered, but nonetheless went off to reanalyze yesterday's lesson on personal hygiene.

Once he was ready and Dee had properly fixed his hair, and made him brush his teeth an extra 2 minutes longer despite his protests the two quickly ate their supper and hopped into Dee's car.

"So where are we going?" Charlie asked.

"Clubbing. Obviously, sure it's only 9 but that should be enough time for people to show up and me give you a run down."

Once at the club they walked in and begrudgingly paid a ridiculous entrance fee of 15$ and waltzed in.

"Why didn't we just go to Paddys, it's free, and also free drinks. Look at this! We pay to get in the building and then we pay again to drink in the building! What kind of business is this?! 8$ for one drink?! Are you kidding? Dee, this is ridiculous." Charlie whined.

"Ok, I agree it is ridiculous, but we're here for a very good purpose. Now buy me a drink so we can start the lesson. Come on."

"I don't have any more money! That 15$ was like all I had."

"What? Then how are you supposed to pick up girls if you can't even offer to buy them drinks?!"

Charlie shrugged helplessly. "Why do I have to buy the drinks anyways? Shouldn't the chick have to buy the drinks?"

"No, that doesn't demonstrate any value. That shows them that you are poor and can't support them"

"But I am poor and can't support them."

"Ok, but the point is for them not to figure that out!" Dee dug through her purse only to come up with some loose change. God damn it there had to be some way. . . Just then an older gentleman with a thick mustache and a thin tie walked into the already booming club. Bingo. "I'll be right back Charlie."

"What?! Don't just leave me here all alone, what am I supposed to do?" Dee ignored him and focused on her target.

She walked up to the man and put on her most seductive grin winking at him as he caught her gaze. His odd look at her did not deter her from her goal as she approached him. "Hello sir. Aren't you looking good tonight? What's the special occasion?"

"Just looking for a good time m'am, and you?" He responded.

"Just out celebrating my cousin's birthday, he's never been clubbing before. And it seems like he's having a good time, but there's just one thing." She sighed dramatically. Hoping he would catch on.

"Oh?"

"Yes, it seems I've spent all my money buying him drinks that. . . I don't have enough for me, and well, I was hoping to have a little fun myself, I know it's selfish of me, but can you really blame me?" It was extremely fake, but perhaps that's exactly what the trick was to lure this poor bastard into getting her what she wanted.

"No, everyone wants to have a good time once in a while, sorry about your luck there ma'am"

So apparently not. . . "Yeah, it's really quite a shame, but I mean you look like you have quite a bit of money yourself, perhaps you could help a girl in need?" Maybe the direct approach would be best.

Before the man could answer her Charlie came bustling in between them, yelling incoherent screams over the loud music.

"God damn it Charlie what are you blabbering about?" Dee grabbed him by the shoulders to attempt to calm him down. At this point the man had taken the opportunity to quickly waltz away, and Dee was about to run after him, demanding, he buys her a drink, but Charlie grabbed Dee and turned her around to face the dance floor.

The first thing she seen was a woman with short blonde hair grinding shamelessly on some man, who was surprisingly very very attractive. Within a few seconds the two were facing each other and ceased their dancing. The man placed a hand behind the woman's neck and the two began to passionately kiss in the middle of the sweating, loud dancing crowd. At that moment Charlie let out a pained squeak and Dee rolled her eyes. Why did the waitress get the good men and not her? This was not how the night was supposed to go down.

Without thinking Dee walked straight up to the couple and tapped the man on the shoulder, but as soon as he turned to face her Dee instantly was at a loss of words. This man was so attractive, Dee felt herself beginning to lose her words and catch in her throat. She wretched them back down in an attempt to calm her nerves. The man looked at her with a raised eyebrow and a confused look.

"Drink, me, buy waitress why?" Dee spluttered out, instantly regretting her words.

"Beg your pardon?" the man asked in a thick British accent, which only increased Dee's nervousness.

Dee shook her head and attempted to gain control over the situation. "Uh. . . Buy me a drink." She managed to say, sighing with relief.

"Excuse me, miss?"

The waitress chose this point in time to intervene. "What the hell are you two doing here? Deandra what the hell! Can't you people just leave me alone?"

"You know this woman" The man asked.

"Sadly." the waitress replied

"Ok, hey! Look man, what the hell are you doing with the waitress anyway? I mean you could do so much better am I right?" Dee spat back defensively

"Ok, I'm telling security." The waitress grabbed the man's hand and headed for the door.

Before Dee could get a word in Charlie had stepped up to the plate. "Ok, before you do that I got something to say." Dee's stomach instantly dropped to the floor, and she didn't even have enough time to stop Charlie's words from coming out of his mouth. "You sir, do not deserve the waitress, and in honor of her dignity I wish to fight you!" Charlie set up a stance with fists at the ready, but the man simply chuckled and without missing a beat he socked Charlie right in the nose, knocking him to the ground.

"Holy shit! Holy shit, I can't believe that just happened." Dee stood in awe, "Oh my god look at those muscles! Look how big they are! Oh my gosh is your hand ok?' Dee went over gawking at the man who had just punched Charlie.

Just then a security officer had walked to the scene and grabbed Dee by the arm. "Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you and your friend to leave."

"What?! Hey now, you got this all wrong buddy, ok if anything the waitress should be kicked out of here, I mean she started this whole thing! And Charlie should be kicked out too, he wanted to fight, you know how about you just leave me and this handsome piece of man candy and we'll be all ok am I right?"

"M'am please." The officer began tugging Dee's arm and another one came and helped Charlie off the ground. The two were then pushed out the door and into the streets.

"God damn it!" Dee cursed loudly, ignoring a bloody nosed Charlie, who was moaning on the street.

A/N ok so the next chapter I'm going to go and tell you guys what Mac, Dennis, and Frank are up to, don't worry they are part of the story too. :P anyway, this story is fun to write and I still got lots of ideas for it so I hope you're enjoying it!


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